Job Hunting is a Bitch

I think we can all agree this economy sucks lame dick these days.   In a world where no ones job is safe, its hard not to always be on the look-out for a new job.  I find myself continually looking at job boards searching for new employees.  We all know I hate the fucking bitches I work for and would LOVE to startin fresh somewhere.  BUT the reality of that is….its fucking hard out therrre fo a applicant.  You can send out 100 resumes and maybe get 1 call back.  AND you can FORGET about relocation…….trying to find a job in another city is like dropping a coin in a fountain for a wish……Good FUCKING LUCK lady.  Basically, the moral of this story is I have resorted to my resume being complete fiction….lets hope it works ;-)

Wish me luck girls AHAHA!

WTF Grammys?

Truly the weirdest seating arrangement ever.  I literally could not pick 2 more POLAR OPPOSITE people.

WTF Wednesday

I’ve got a list of what the fuck’s for ya today that culminate into one big cluster fuck of a what the fuck kind of day…

1. I slept like shit…and woke up 2 hours BEFORE my alarm clock went off.
2. Every time I eat something crunchy or have to open my mouth wide it’s excruciating. I must have been grinding my teeth last night because my jaw seriously HURTS.
3. When I woke up this morning I thought my hair looked good enough to just straighten and go since I showered the night before. I got to work and realized that I actually looked like a T-Bird straight outta Grease. Guess I should look a little closer next time as I assess myself through bleary eyes in the morning.
4. To add insult to injury, about 2 hours into my workday I realized I also forgot deodorant in my morning haze of getting ready.
5. On the way home there was construction on one lane of traffic so I attempted to merge into the un-closed lane. As I’ve got my blinker on and am turning to see if I have room to get in some asshole swerves in front of me (no blinker) so I have to slam on my brakes…he then proceeds to come to a complete stop before finally continuing his rude swerve across lanes into the left turn lane. Needless to say, I laid on my horn and yelled a few very unlady-like expletives.
6. Less than 2 minutes later I almost burst into tears….FOR NO FREAKING REASON. I fucking hate female hormones.

And that ladies and gentleman is a big ole’ WHAT THE FUCK for ya this Wednesday.

Sorry for the lack of pics today...use your imagination people...I just don't have it in me.

I think using the word fuck actually makes me feel a little better….FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK…yep, definitely helps. :)

 

So not ready to face 2012...

Happy New Year peeps!

I rang in the New Year in style this year. The bf and I threw a banging party complete with a champagne flavoring bar, kinect competition, apples to apples, countdown, champagne toast at midnight and of course a kiss. J

This, however, was quickly followed by a fight breaking out which put a bit of a damper on the night. The reason for the fight is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of though. Keep in mind everyone involved is at least 23 years old…most were 25 and up. One of our friends brought some random ass chick to the party who somehow ends up in the bf’s roommate’s bed with another girl at the party with the 2^nd girl’s fiancée watching.  Our friend who brought rando flips out when he sees it and starts throwing punches. (High school/college shit right?!?) Most guys would just be excited to see 2 girls hooking up…nope not our friend. He goes batshit instead. We kick 2^nd girl and her fiancée out…calm our friend down and try to get on with the party when they decide to come back. I happen to open the door and get bulldozed by this bitch screaming. This is where I got mad and literally kicked her the fuck out of the bf’s apartment…with my 5 inch glittery heels.

Not to worry, by that time we were all too shit faced to really care and the party continued on.

Since then I’ve been busy celebrating by stuffing my face with chocolate and watching approximately 12 consecutive hours of Law & Order: SVU. I’ve been putting off reality for a while…along with resolutions…maybe by next week I’ll have my life back together enough to figure out what I want out of 2012.

You're My Roommate - Go Fuck Yourself.

It seems there comes a point in every person's life where they hit their living-with-roommates-limit. Mine, unfortunately was about 3 months ago. I have always played the responsible role when living with others; I pay the bills, make sure the dog is fed/walked, call the landlord, etc. But to be honest, I'M REALLY OVER IT. You are an adult (sorta) in your mid-20's and it's about time you took out the trash, emptied the dishwasher and got a god-damn checking account so you can pay the rent without having ME write the check. Seriously, what is with people not taking responsibility for their own lives? I just really don't understand how young adults can rely on their roommates to do everything all the time. And the worst part- if I decide to boycott a certain chore for few days to see someone else step up - THEY DON'T. WHATtheSHITpeople!?! I think my normally patient personality has taken a detour for cranky-town. I just can't deal with it anymore and am very grateful that in about a month- I won't have to. Yep, that's right- I'm moving out....& in with the boyfriend....which is another post for another day. But the good news is- you can boss your boyfriend around all you want and they will just do it! IF they know what's good for them and they want to get laid again this year. So the moral of the story is - you can have a roommate over the age of 28- ONLY if you are banging them. Time for some wine.

Please don’t rain on my parade

I am in a fantastic mood today because I get a day off tomorrow!! 60 hours in 6 days while being sick has been rough. Thankfully I only worked a 3 ½ hour shift Friday because I was scheduled for closer to 70 hours. Yikes.

Anyways, I’m soooo pumped to have a night off where I get to sleep in the next day and actually get stuff done. Tonight I get to take a leisurely shower, put on pretty clothes and be waited on by someone…while drinking delicious beer. Then wake up whenever I want and do whatever I want...I see some thrift shopping in my future. Perfection. :)

Despite my blissful state, there is a particular person at work that is seriously wearing on me. Said person, let’s call him “Fred” has been walking around huffing and puffing and bitching and moaning SINCE THURSDAY. Normally, I can tune him out…but today I’ve had my limit.

Seriously Fred?! You can’t come up with one positive thing to say in this 2 minute casual conversation we’re having? And no, I’m not going to sit here and bring myself down to your negative level and bitch right along with you. I like my job (right now), I like my clients (right now) and I’M IN A FREAKING GOOD MOOD. I’ve worked just as much, if not more than you (at a much lower salary)…and yes, it sucks…but come on. Give it a rest. If you just decided to lighten up a bit maybe things would start looking up.

K, venting over. Back to my happy state where it's all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. :)

Men Rules.

In keeping with Elle’s theme below with “rules” I thought I would share a few rules myself.

I am extremely picky about what my man wears. Well I am really picky about what all men wear actually…. And I feel like the word needs to spread.

First of all……………

1. No short sleeve button ups. Ever. You look like Dwight from the office. All you need is a pocket calculator and khakis to look like Chester the Molester. Be a grown up, buy sleeves.

2. Jean shorts are NEVER ok. EVER. Jorts are redneck, ugly, and so unflattering. Unless your name is Billy Bob and you sleep with your sister. Wear jeans, or shorts. Do not wear jean shorts.

3. Your socks should ALWAYS be short and almost invisible. They should not be above your ankle under any circumstances. You should wear white socks with tennis shoes, NEVER black. But if I see a white socked ankle accompanying a dress shoe. I will chop your leg off. Dress shoes get dress socks. Tennis shoes get casual WHITE socks. Comprende?

4. The only appropriate flip flops are leather (i.e. Rainbows). Colored flip flops are not appropriate on men. Unless they like other men.

5. GROOM YOUR DAMN TOE NAILS. Yes this isn’t wardrobe related but in reference to the above rule. If your toenails could be claws and you could hike up a tree. DON’T WEAR FLIP FLOPS. It’s rude to expose humanity to that nastiness.

6. After you graduate from college (that’s a concession, I would prefer you NEVER wear these) you are not allowed to wear Abercrombie, Hollister or American Eagle ESPECIALLY if the logos are big and visible.

7. Ed Hardy. Enough said.

8. Oakleys are ugly. You do not look like you are a sports player because you wear them. You look stupid.

9. I don’t care how hipster you think you are. Unless you are gay with fabulous legs (i.e. Nancy Drew) YOU CANNOT WEAR SKINNY JEANS. EVER.

10. If your driver’s license says you are over the age of 15 the wallet you pull it out of should under no circumstances have Velcro.

11. If you want to wear a jersey. You must be going to the bar to watch the game, having a party at your house to watch the game, or be at a Halloween party.

Um No thanks Flavaa Flav.

12. Your hats should be fitted after the age of 12.

13. Puka shell necklaces. You are not Jimmy Buffet. There is not sand. And even if you were and there was. They are still douchey.



This does not look cool.

14. Taylor your clothes. Frayed clothes, baggy jeans, wrinkled shirts are unacceptable. Dress like a grown up. Buy an iron.




Yummo!


15. AND FINALLY ::: INVEST IN NICE CLOTHES. I know that’s a broad statement. But stop shopping at Target. Men’s clothes rarely go out of style. Invest in a few good suits, nice dress shirts, and a pair of black and brown dress shoes.

See I’m not that picky…. Right???

WTF MR. LANDLORD?!

So I just moved.  Love the house.  Adore the enormous backyard my pup gets to play in.  Obsessed with my fabulous new roommates. 

Hate the bugs. Hate the DIRTY blinds, floors, walls, kitchen cabinets, drip pans, bathrooms, etc etc ETC!!!!!!!!

WTF?!  I clean when I move out of a rental – who were the pigs that lived in my new house?  I can’t describe how dirty it is – you’d have to see it to believe it!  A bottle of bleach, a handful of magic erasers, and 2 bottles of 409 STILL didn't do the trick!

NOT TO MENTION there was a pretty long list of things we wanted the landlord to have fixed before we moved in.  INCLUDING exterminating – did he?  NOPE!  So we got to enjoy the spiders and other creepy crawly creatures the first week we were there.  Lovely.

TODAY I went home on my lunch break and found SOME RANDOM MAN in my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WTF?!  He was there to fix our broken blinds – ummmm thanks landlord for letting me know!!!!!! 

WTF?! 

W.T.F

Here’s a little WTF Wednesday post for every body.

You know the terminology, when it rains it pours. Well it’s raining fucking buckets over here.

First let me explain a few things.

1. My husband and I share a car between us. There are several reasons for this decision, many of them being we don’t want to incur any more debt and we gave ourselves a challenge to go without it as long as possible. It’s actually been quite easy thanks to public transportation, proximity of both of our working situations and similar schedules. Actually it’s been better than easy, it’s been ideal. So ideal in fact we further challenged ourselves to pay our car off before we bought a new one. An idea that was so flippantly decided among matching schedules and wedded bliss.
2. My husband is a teacher. Therefore he works summer jobs. Most of the time jobs which are crazy hours, weird shifts, and lack of freedom. Basically everything I hate in a job.
3. This has created a transportation situation that is less than ideal.

WELL. SHIT GOT WORSE.

Today is the last day of summer for my husband. Which means the very LAST day I have to worry about a ride home. The LAST day he’s not working right down the road. And the LAST day I have to count on the good graces of my friends and family to take pity on my carless soul.

And well today was my mom’s day. She was going to pick me up, we were going to stop by the dress store to pick up my bridesmaids dress and she would take me home and we would have a happy go lucky car ride full of bubblegum, sunshine and happiness.

Welp. My mom forgot. Which means her and my stepdad carpooled into work. My stepdad works in bumblefuck USA. Which means by the time he would pick me up from work it would be significantly after I got off.

That’s not a problem you are probably thinking? Which is correct. Who couldn’t use a little OT? But unfortunately fate is not smiling upon my soul today. Nope. Fate hates me.

Because being the dumb ass that I am. I scheduled a dress pickup appointment from the exclusive bridal shop to pick up my newly arrived bridesmaids dress for my best friends upcoming wedding.

Once again – not a problem. I could just reschedule the pickup for another day and just go home at 6 and be done with it.

Welp. Nope. That’s not gonna work either. Why? Well because THE DRESS GIRL HAS THE FLU AND WENT HOME EARLY THIS MORNING AND LEFT MY $200 DRESS WITH THE STATIONARY STORE ACROSS THE STREET.

That’s right. My dress is sitting at some random card store across from the boutique I bought it at ready to be picked up at 5:15. TE-FUCKING-RIFFIC!

So here I am sitting at work with a lot of friends that generally love me and would usually have no problem taking me home.

Except, one has to stay till 6 as well, another one has a personal training appointment and has to leave at 430, one isn’t working, and the other one lives on the other side of town.

So I find myself again sitting at my desk trying to calculate walking distance from the public transportation rail to the dress store and then back home. In 95 DEGREE HEAT! All because I don’t have a damn car because we are trying to be “smart” financially.

I WANT TO TELL OUR FINANCIAL PLANNER TO GO EFF HIMSELF. I WANT A CAR.

WTF.

 Exit Work. Enter Vodka.

(ok. On a side note, I love Belle she’s awesome and offered to come pick me up and take me by the store and take me home. Which I almost took her up on until my husband responded to my maniacal text that he asked his boss to leave early…… so crisis is completely averted. And I just wrote a long very ranty WTF post…ooops…..  what can I say I’m PMSing)



WTF Russell Armstrong?

Well My WTF is all about my favorite Real Housewives Show....Beverly Hills.  Russell Armstrong, Husband to Housewife Taylor Armstrong committed suicide on Monday night, and left no inclination of why.  Rumors are swirling that the Hit Reality show is to blame.  Season two is about to air, and apparently it details the breakup of their marriage.  Taylor filed for divorce on July 15th and the couple was recently hit with a 1.5 million dollar lawsuit for breach of contract.  He left 2 teenage sons and a 5 year old daughter without a father.  If people willingly sign up for these reality shows and accept cameras into their homes......they need to be prepared for the consequences!!! No one is to blame for killing yourself, besides yourself! Reality shows are definitely becoming big business, and the media has become more invasive into the stars lives, BUT if you can't handle it...why are you signing the contract????? WTF!

 

White Pumps are the Mark of a True Hooker

Sooooo Ladies I need to share some important information with you ASAP.  I was in the field yesterday and noticed a "business professional" wearing a royal blue dress with WHITE PUMPS.   White pumps anywhere other than your wedding day is a No No........White sandals are cute, who hasn't rocked some white keds???? All White Pumps before / after Labor day who gives a fuck DON'T WEAR THEM........you look like a hooker!

xoxo

Potterific

Today on WTF WEDNESDAY I’m wishing hardcore for some of that potion those youngins in Harry Potter like to poke around with.  You know what I’m talking about – they mix a little bit of someone’s hair with some nasty tasting potion and POOF they’re temporarily transformed into someone else.

My life is bananas and I can’t half stand it anymore.  I can’t remember the last time that the bell rang at 5 o’clock and I actually WENT HOME after work.  Every single day from now ‘til doomsday I have stuff planned.  My poor dog has to wait all evening on me every day!  I can’t work out, I can’t eat right, I can’t BREATHE because there is TOO MUCH ON MY PLATE!

Not to mention, I have deadlines looming at every corner.  I honestly don’t know when I’m expected to get this sh*t done.  I’m probably going to have an emotional breakdown soon – I can feel it coming.  I need help, and a dabble here and there won’t do.  I need someone to physically take some stuff off my plate and simply handle it for me. 

I’ve gotta decide who I would like to turn into though if I got my hands on that potion.  I’m thinking Kim Kardashian might be fun.  Sure, she’s busy too – but I wouldn’t mind making a couple million dollars for simply being beautiful and fabulous.   I could use those millions to pay someone to help me out in this SUPER STRESSED LIFE where being beautiful and fabulous gets you NO WHERE!  In fact, the only place I’m getting to is the NUT HOUSE!

 Any takers on being of assistance to me – please let me know!  In the meantime, I’ll be here at my desk – ripping my hair out and trying my best not to tare my own eyes out of my head.

Now Introducing....

Now introducing the NEWEST member of our Straight Up Family.....

Loves drinking white wine with ice cubes in it (Don’t hate), The color Pink, and making inside jokes with his friends

Hates Liars, friends who change, or you loose contact with, as SOON as they get a boyfriend……..and cankels (seriously creepy)

Is Addicted to being the center of attention and is usually seen doing dumb or slutty things to acquire it

Wishes he could get married (legally) and pregnant….but not necessarily in that order

Is known for unintentionally giving back-handed compliments…a trait he picked up from his mother Big Deb no doubt

and has a unholy Obsession with all things Britney Spears.

Skanky Bitches Suck

So yesterday I found out that one of my good guy friends had a girl cheat on him and give him a disease.

Can I get a big ole WHAT THE FUCK for that one?!?

Seriously. You skanky bitches that want to cheat on your man need to go straight to hell. I will never condone cheating, but if you are going to do it, at least have enough courtesy to use a fucking condom so other people don’t have to live with your bad decision for the rest of their life.

Shit like this is why I have very few girl friends. I hate shady bitches that only think about themselves and just run around ruining people’s lives without a thought about it. Get your head out of your disease ridden, rotten, skanky ass and realize that there are good people in this world that don’t deserved to be fucked over by the likes of you.

So glad I’ve never met this girl and don’t know who she is (he wouldn’t tell me) or else I would probably be sitting in jail right now for beating that bitch’s ass.

Happy Monday.

Saucy.

OK.

This is gonna shock some people. And may even make you think I’m an ignorant bitch who doesn’t know good art.

But…. Mad Men pisses me the fuck off.

Seriously.

The hubs and I got it off Netflix and decided to pop in a few episodes last night. And let me tell ya, this 2011 era feminist could hardly stand it.

YES – It’s television.

YES – It’s realistic.

YES – It’s won tons and tons of blah blah awards.

YES – I want to punch Don Draper right in the face.

Maybe this hostility and anger stems from my alter ego being present the past few days. She has been named Sasha and let me tell ya she’s one saucy bitch.

Whether it’s Sasha’s bitch ass talking or mine, I don’t like it. Can I recognize that it’s a good show? Yes I can. Can I continue to watch it? Yes I can. Will I make my husband miserable bitching about all of the jack ass chauvinistic things the characters say? You bet your ass I can.

All of that bitching aside I am actually quite cheery today. It’s Friday. It’s Payday. My office closes at 12. And it’s an extended holiday weekend. Lots of booze, food, and friends are a part of this weekend, and I can hardly wait.

I guess the moral of the story is.

Sasha is a biiiiiooootttch. And Don Draper can suck a dick.

Tootles!

Rage Against the Bitch

This is a WTF Wednesday, only on Thursday because I was too busy sexting my boyfriend all day yesterday like a HUGE creep. I’m usually the calmer one of this group, try to see the logical side of every situation, not get worked up over petty things, etc. However, this week a few coworkers of mine sent me into the LAND OF RAGE. On Monday, this old broad that I work with asked me to cover for her in the afternoon. I said I would (after I rolled my eyes of course) and spent the afternoon doing HER STUPID WORK. The following day, I needed her to cover for me for the grand total of 15 minutes… did you hear that people HALF OF A F-ING HALF AN HOUR. This bitch had the nerve to throw a thousand excuses my way and put up a fight about it. Now I ask you, how does this make any flippin’ sense? Are you really that selfish and rude that you can’t do me a solid THE DAY AFTER I covered for your fugly ass all day? Really people, this is riDONKulous. After she acted like a huge CyoUNextTuesday, she agreed to do it and then later apologized for being such a rag. I thought the worst was over. NOPE. Low and behold she mentioned something about not having enough people in the office at once to the bossman and now my crew & I can’t go to lunch together anymore. THIS FUCKING BITCH. Seriously, I have never met such a catty old bag in all my life. It doesn’t help that her side-kick is the most annoying person on the planet and the 2 of them together are like gasoline on an open flame. I think they should both pull the sticks out of their asses and dust the cob webs off their vajines & get laid once in a while so we don’t have to deal with their BS on a daily basis.

Ok. Now I feel better. Amazing what a little bitch session can do for you.

WTF.

Ok. It’s been awhile but I think it’s that time for a WTF Wednesday, brought to you courtesy of my office.

1. I do not like kiss asses
2. I do not like stupid people
3. I do not like arrogant people
4. I do not like rude people
5. I do not like bossy people
6. I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT LIKE WHEN ONE PERSON IS ALL OF THESE THINGS.

I seriously think someone could use my co-worker as a weapon of mass destruction in war. She is close to the most annoying human being I have ever been around.

And when I tiredly walk into the office and switch my computer on….. THE FUCKING LAST THING I WANT TO HEAR IS YOUR HORRIBLE ANNOYING VOICE TALKING ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL VS. THE VOICE. YOUR THIRTY EIGHT! NO ONE FUCKING CARES!

Ok. I feel better.

Happy Wednesday!